Brainless Pinheads

May 10, 2010

Raging Moderate, by Will Durst

They’ve tried fire and robots and domes and booms and drones and boxes and rosary beads and even pantyhose stuffed with human hair, but so far nothing has slowed the Deepwater Horizon oil spill from creeping towards our Southern Coast like a drunken lobbyist staggering towards a free seafood buffet. And almost as ugly. This maritime miasma promises to be the most monumental attack of sludge to hit American shores since Ann Coulter’s most recent book.

Cartoon by Bill Schorr - Cagle Cartoons (click to purchase) — Cartoon by Bill Schorr – Cagle Cartoons (click to purchase)

Hard to say what frightens Gulf Coast residents more; the toxic slick bearing down on their shore or the administration’s guarantee that our government is poised and ready to swoop in with federal assistance. It worked so well after Katrina. The kind of news that prompts residents to wake screaming — bathed in sweat — from nightmares of FEMA loading trucks full of mutant hair sausages never to be delivered. And ice. But never let it be said that Congress doesn’t know how to exploit a crisis. They’ve leaped into action and appointed a panel.

The one positive to come out of this amphibious affliction (besides never hearing another New Orleans restaurant say they are out of blackened redfish) is we can expect to hear a lot fewer of those strident rallying cries of “Drill, Baby, Drill” this election year. They’ve already given way to the more muted “Cap, Baby, Cap,” and threaten to digress into “Tax, Baby, Tax.” Right now though, those responsible seem to be sticking like shrimp to otter fur with “Prevaricate, Baby, Prevaricate.”

BP, which apparently stands for Brainless Pinheads, first announced the seepage from the MC252 well (isn’t that cute) was barely a couple of drips. Nothing to worry about. More oil pooled on your average garage floor. Then it bounced up to 1,000 barrels a day, then 2,000, and now that we’re obviously in gushing territory estimates are not really useful anymore. Numbers can be so misleading.

Chemicals were sprayed on the leak to disperse it, but that was curtailed because the dispersant might be doing more harm than good. They don’t know. Oh, good. Turns out, these guys don’t know a lot. They won’t even say what’s in the dispersant because it’s proprietary. All they can reveal is it’s not harmful. However, if you do happen to get a smidgeon on your skin, you immediately want to flush it with a bleach bath. That they know.

You’d think a company that makes its living poking holes in the bottom of seas would have a plan to close them back up, wouldn’t you? Well, you’d be wrong. Actually, you’d be half wrong. They do have means. Using technology they’re required to install when drilling in other countries. Not here, though. We encourage voluntary participation. And let the industry write the regs. And then pray to the oil fairies.

Maybe this will signal an end to our bowing down to the fossil fuel gods. Maybe Obama will seize this reprehensible moment to carve out an anti-carbon strategy and the whole country will rise as one and demand a national policy based on clean energies and shared sacrifice. Yeah. And maybe ring-tailed squirrel monkeys will replace hockey referees during playoff games. Its times like these that make you wish hari-kari had become a corporate CEO global tradition.

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Will Durst is a San Francisco-based political comic who often writes. This being a dazzling example. Catch him at the Crest Theatre on Saturday May 8, www.thecrest.com, 1013 K St., Sacramento, Calif. 95814, 916.442.5189. And his one-man show, “The Lieutenant Governor from the State of Confusion” on Friday, May 14 at the Holly Springs Cultural Arts Cente. 300 West Ballentine St., Holly Springs N.C. 27540. 919.577.1660. New CD, “Raging Moderate” from Stand Up! Records now available on both iTunes and Amazon.

Copyright ©2010, Will Durst, distributed by the Cagle Cartoons Inc. syndicate. Call Cari Dawson-Bartley at 800-696-7561 or e-mail [email protected]. Will Durst is a political comedian who has performed around the world. He is a familiar pundit on television and radio. E-mail Will at [email protected]. Check out willandwillie.com for the latest podcast. Will Durst’s book, “The All American Sport of Bipartisan Bashing,” is available from Amazon and better bookstores all over this great land of ours. Don’t forget to check out his rooftop comedy minutes at: http://www.rooftopcomedy.com/shows/BurstOfDurst.

bp, Gulf oil spill, spill

Will Durst

A Midwestern baby boomer with a media-induced identity crisis, Durst has been called “a modern day Will Rogers” by The L.A. Times.

Comments

12 responses to “Brainless Pinheads”

Cal

May 10, 2010

I’m surprised Will would write an article about himself but here it is in black and white–"Brainless Pinhead."

“Maybe this will signal an end to our bowing down to the fossil fuel gods.” Yes indeed. Let’s go with wind and solar so we can watch our imperiled economy swirl right down the toilet.

We need fossil fuel, Will. We need a LOT of it. I’m for alternatives but not until the work. And they DON’T work yet, my brainless pinhead of a writer friend. We need oil, gas, natural gas, nuclear, and coal until then. If a doctor kills a patient through negligence or neglect we don’t stop practicing medicine or performing surgery. We investigate the problem, find a fix, and move on. The same applies to offshore drilling. Let’s learn and move on.

When the wind works, let it blow. For now, it just “blows” and solar still “sucks.”

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farmasea

May 10, 2010

Cal, you are erecting enough straw men to scare off every crow in Kansas. A doctor killing a patient does not leak 5000 gallons of tainted blood per day into the city streets.

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geoff

May 11, 2010

farmasea: didn't notice that Cal always fails to mention the unfortunate part about how nuclear "doesn't work": no one (except maybe the Finns) has figured out what to do with the spent fuel, yet. Wasn't it supposed to be transported on trains, through major cities, to some place out in Iowa or Colorado or something? Even if this didn't present a great target for those terrorist guys, it's an accident just waiting to happen.

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Murray

May 11, 2010

Cal nailed it. We need our fossil fuels atm.

Here is the other thing–the whole carbon policy thing warrants deeper investigation before we rush in. How certain are we of the science proclaiming the sky is fall–er I mean the earth is warning? Been quite a bit of pushback on that science in the last year or so, along with the little detail that the earth seems to be stopping its warning, the polar ice seems to be exapanding again, blah blah blah. And if the earth is not really warming, or if that warming has more to do with sun cycles than human activity, is it worth crippling ourselves economically to try to do something about it–that may not even be effective?

Beyond that, who profits from cap and trade. Some folks will–it is a massive tax, estimates will be trillions per year–who gets that money, and do any of the people getting that money have any roles in the establishment of policies? In short, are we dealing with corrupt politicians who are going to get rich off of us in the name of clean air?

All these things need to be investigated a lot more before we launch an energy policy.

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Cal

May 11, 2010

Farmasea. You win on technicality. The human body does NOT have 5,000 gallons of blood to spill. (Thanks, I wasn't aware of that before.) The person just ends up DEAD due to mistakes or malpractice. But somehow, that pales in comparison to an oil spill. Dead person? No big deal. Oil spill? That's a HUGE crisis and proof positive we need to stop drilling!

I guess since we’ve got one oil rig leaking oil, we should stop all drilling, ground all planes and trucks that move produce, food, and people immediately. That will bring our economy to a grinding halt, destroy our way of life by shutting down the electrical grid which means no heat, air conditioning, sewage treatment, and a lot of other things most of us really enjoy. Oh, and then we can just hop on the bicycles or ride horses! Maybe we can turn the windmills will bicycle power. (I hadn't thought of that either.)

I also hadn’t thought of how serious this was and how simple the answer is. Gee, thanks. You’re a regular genius! You could be president and no one would know the difference.

I see my name in yet another a gooff post. Huh. Go figure.

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farmasea

May 11, 2010

Mindless, sarcastic passive-aggressive attitude coupled with over-reactionary solutions. Quite lame, Cal. Try again.

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Cal

May 12, 2010

farmasea. You often offer the same kind of low-grade, shallow, nonsensical rhetoric I get from Cantor or SinkFull. But not this time. You surprised me by challenging my response on several levels. I won't repeat all of the places where you cogently countered my points on the damage stopping drilling would do, and how that would benefit mankind, but your logic was faultless. Between your original post (which was superb, btw) and your follow-on, I"m pretty much left speechless. I give. You win. You ARE a genius!

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Amilam

May 12, 2010

While not enough investments were put into alternate energies during the Bush years (honestly, expecting the oil industry to do it? Really? Is there a single history in business were the successful status quo worked to and successfully built its replacement? There’s a reason why BMW wasn’t started by buggy makers), alternative energy is still at least a generation away from being more than a blip on our energy consumption. It shouldn’t be an either/or scenario. Encourage innovation in the alternate energy sector while continuing to secure fossil fuels and make them less environmentally damaging.

The current liability law of course needs to be shredded. There is no excuse for this level of damage and unfortunately safety needs to driven as not only a moral responsibility, but as a definitive cost analysis. Cutting corners with safety needs to become financially nonviable. It clearly wasn’t with the current liability limitations. That said, I can do without the grandstanding of having a “boot to the throat”. I want to see these companies pay in full for their negligence, but I don’t need any cheap populist anger from my representatives.

I'm a bit surprised that nuclear energy is still controversial. Again, it's not an ideal solution, but as we've seen every energy source has massive downsides. There is the potential for massive oil leaks, not to mention a lot of the world's energy comes from politically unstable locals. Coal is dangerous to extract and generates a lot of air pollution in relation to energy produced. Methane gas has similar tradeoffs, though less severe. The studies I've seen rated nuclear power as creating among the least amount of pollution in relation to energy generated of any fuel source, even among renewable energy sources. There may be more current studies that contradict me on this and if so I'll gladly reconsider my point, but that alone sold me. The storing of nuclear waste is a major problem, but where would you rank it on the scale of things against other pollutants?

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Rob

May 12, 2010

Cal 🙂

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Stug

May 13, 2010

"We need fossil fuel, Will. We need a LOT of it. I’m for alternatives but not until they work."

– I agree, but waiting until the Chinese or some other asian country develops the requisite technologies is stupidity taken to the extreme. And relying on the current energy behemoths to develop those alternatives for us is not much better. I don't know if Amilam's statement: Is there a single example in history where the successful status quo worked to find, and successfully develop, its replacement? is accurate or not, but if there are examples I would bet they are few.

Remaining tied to our oil culture is tantamount to national suicide for our standing among the world nations. Consider historical precedents: The Dutch were the first to harness wind and water power for industry on any scale. This led to their becoming the dominant world economic power at the time. They were not supplanted until the development of coal powered industry by the English, which led in turn to their becoming the dominant economic power. The US led the way in the development of oil and its derivitives. With England clinging to it's coal-based economy, the US took over the world's economic reins. Now, with oil production nearing, if not already at it's peak, and with the US holding only 2% of the world's oil reserves while consuming 25% of the world's production, a significant portion of our population and industry is resisting the need to move to an alternative energy source. Allowing political and corporate short-sightedness to underestimate the urgency of moving to, and therefore underfund the research of, alternative energy sources is foolish both from an energy standpoint and from a national security standpoint, particularly since most of the world's oil reserves are held by countries with which we are not exactly on the best of terms. The nation that controls the technology(ies) that are the key(s) to the next big energy source(s) will most likely replace the US in terms of it's current economic, and therefore military, hegemony. Unless of course, it is we who develop those technologies and the ability, capacity and political will to produce and utilize them.

The excuse that alternative energies cannot currently replace oil is quasi-valid. The reality is that alternative energies cannot currently replace oil because our corporate and political culture have largely disincentivized their use and R&D.

Of the west's great oil companies, the original Seven Sisters, only ExxonMobil and BP still rank among the world's top ten, in distant ninth and tenth places respectively. Saudi Arabia, Iran and Venezuela far outstrip the US in terms of oil reserves, followed by China, Russia, Brazil and Malasia. Additionally, China owns a considerable slice of our national debt and, along with Germany and Spain, has taken a considerable lead in wind and solar energy production as a percentage of GDP. We need to get off of our collective duffs and divest ourselves of our addiction to oil and it's stranglehold on our politics.

The alternative, start investing your 401K in the Yuan now, in thirty years it is likely to be the dominant world currency.

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geoff

May 13, 2010

Stug: "The reality is that alternative energies cannot currently replace oil because our corporate and political culture have largely disincentivized their use and R&D."

Yep. And one reason why conservative leaders in places like Germany and Denmark are so interested in investing in alternate energy R&D: it's good for the economy!

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Cal

May 13, 2010

I was wondering how long it would take for someone to blame Bush for the oil spill! I heard someone recently make the claim a few days ago on TV and here we have a poster parroting the line.

I was asking Sink how the Left would tie Bush into this last week and now I know. He didn’t invest enough in security. I wonder what else the O Team will be able to slough off on the evil Bushman in the months to come?

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