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Loose Nukes

Will Durst
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President Obama turned from the domestic third-rail issue of health care to the international radioactive subject of dirty-bomb terrorism by hosting a nuclear summit in D.C., convincing the leaders of 47 countries to attend — presidents and prime ministers and kings and queens and a couple of expendable pawns. No bishops, they have their own problems these days. Pretty much all the cogs in the atomic machine showed up except North Korea and Iran, which admittedly is like holding a steroids conference without Barry Bonds or Mark McGwire, but hey, it’s a START.

Cartoon by Paresh Nath - The Khaleej Times (click to purchase)
Cartoon by Paresh Nath – The Khaleej Times (click to purchase)

The focus was on security, an encouraging sign, since the global stockpile of bomb-making materials is now large enough for 120,000 suitcase nukes. Which most experts agree is about 120,000 too many. It wasn’t a total Potemkin summit. Everyone agreed that terrorism is bad and nuclear terrorism is real bad, and working with one another is good and they should all meet again in South Korea in 2012 if the Mayans aren’t right.

Took 60 years to assemble this pile of mutually assured destruction. Going to take at least a couple of meetings to get rid of it. Only nine members in the nuclear club right now. But a lot of wannabees. And since you can’t tell your nuclear players without a Nuclear Players Scorecard, here they are, with official Threat Level grading.

WILL DURST’s NUCLEAR PLAYERS SCORECARD

United States. Have weapons. Duh. But we’re not the problem because we’re the good guys. TL: Dove of peace flying under the rainbow of international co-operation.

Russia. Have weapons and big problem. Leakier than a tinfoil sieve after 3 days of target practice on a 50mm range, and the world’s largest source of loose nukes. TL: Giant Bear with flame thrower, roaming woods while being chewed on by Balkan squirrels.

China. Have weapons. Concerned only with economic strength. Need to convince them an irradiated consumer is not a repeat consumer. TL: Drunken Panda staggering through a shopping mall with a fistful of short-fused flares.

United Kingdom. Have weapons. Not quite positive where they are. In the garden shed of their lake-country home perhaps. TL: Your Aunt Gertrude with a bagful of knitting needles on the subway.

Pakistan. Have weapons and worried we pay too much attention to India. As stable as a two-legged stool. TL: Swarm of angry wasps inside a papier mache tent on fire.

India. Have weapons and worried we pay too much attention to Pakistan. Don’t you hate lovers’ spats? TL: Sacred bull in a china shop full of crystal decanters stoppered to the rim with nitro.

Germany. No nuclear weapons. But if they really need some all they have to do is knock on France’s door and ask to borrow a couple. TL: A domesticated wolf on an ankle bracelet, but a wolf nonetheless.

France. Have weapons, but more interested in discovering ways to use them to braise lamb. TL: Carnivorous escargot in a mine field.

Israel. Everybody knows they have weapons, but they won’t admit it and haven’t tested any. Making a scary situation scarier. TL: Tasmanian Devil tethered to a water soluble stake in the rain.

North Korea. Have weapons. But delivery system is a team of musk oxen. TL: Electric Cuckoo Clock made out of C-4 with faulty wiring.

Iran. No weapons, but definitely in the market for a fixer- upper. TL: Cigar-smoking pit bull headed straight for the fireworks factory.

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Will Durst is a San Francisco-based political comic who often writes. This being a glaring example. Catch him hosting Showtime’s “The Green Collar Comedy Show,” starting Thursday April 22 at 9 p.m. And don’t forget his new CD, “Raging Moderate,” from Stand-Up Records, now available on both iTunes and Amazon.

Copyright ©2010, Will Durst, distributed by the Cagle Cartoons Inc. syndicate. Call Cari Dawson-Bartley at 800-696-7561 or e-mail [email protected]. Will Durst is a political comedian who has performed around the world. He is a familiar pundit on television and radio. E-mail Will at [email protected]. Check out willandwillie.com for the latest podcast. Will Durst’s book, “The All American Sport of Bipartisan Bashing,” is available from Amazon and better bookstores all over this great land of ours. Don’t forget to check out his rooftop comedy minutes at: http://www.rooftopcomedy.com/shows/BurstOfDurst.

Will Durst

A Midwestern baby boomer with a media-induced identity crisis, Durst has been called “a modern day Will Rogers” by The L.A. Times.

Comments

10 responses to “Loose Nukes”

  1. Syncopation Avatar
    Syncopation

    Just goes to show that, as a race, we're not all that far removed from the cave man. In fact, without electricity and modern conveniences I imagine we'd look and act VERY much like him.

    To think, 3000+ years of recorded civiliziation (more or less) and the most influential governments on the planet value the power of destruction and annihilation above all else. It's absolutely disgusting. The fact that any human can even CONSIDER using a weapon like this against the Earth and our own race is quite nearly enough to make me naueous with pity for them. I'm sorry to say it, but we are much, much less than we sometimes suppose we are.

    Reply
  2. Carl JD Avatar
    Carl JD

    Syncopation:

    I have to agree with you on this one but on maybe a more complete scale. The fact that we have to have an army is a sad indictment on the world. In my mind, we ideally wouldn't have to waste resources on armed forces. Unfortunately, and I'm being sincere that it is unfortunate, we have to keep an army because there are those that would take our country if all we had was farming equipment instead of tanks. By extension, if we all we had were conventional weapons, we'd be under the thumb of whomever had nukes (and the ICBM delivery). So as a deterrant, I can see why we need them, but I agree with your assessment that using them is a sickening proposition.

    Despite the yick factor of considering nuclear threat levels, some of the threat level assessments were pretty funny.

    Reply
  3. Syncopation Avatar
    Syncopation

    A good day, Carl… at least we don't disagree on EVERYTHING. 😎

    Reply
  4. Cal Avatar
    Cal

    What Carl JD said to include the agreement with Syncopation.

    The military is a HUGE expense and drain on our economy but until we really do live in John Lennon’s Imagine(ary) world we will need the biggest, baddest watchdog in the neighborhood and nuclear weapons are the canine teeth.

    My two “nuclear hopes” are we will stop Iran from acquiring a nuclear capability rather than try and contain it after the fact and that we will finally start developing nuclear power plants in America again after 30 years of demonizing the industry following the Three-Mile Island incident/China Syndrome movie. Ironically, China is building 3-4 nuke power plants a year and we haven’t built one in a generation. Nuclear power technology is now extremely safe, the energy is clean, and it is very efficient. Until we have efficient alternative sources we need to exploit every advantage we have to include more oil, natural gas, nuclear, solar, and perhaps wind if we can reduce the unsightly footprint the windmills and wires create.

    But will we? Or are we going to push for cap and trade as a political vehicle to advance an agenda based on junk (and debunked) science? It seems like a very clear, straightforward choice, but then again, there is a political agenda in play. I guess we can always “hope…”

    Reply
  5. geoff Avatar
    geoff

    "Nuclear power technology is now extremely safe, the energy is clean, and it is very efficient."

    Good. What do you do with the spent fuel? Put it on trains, ship it through major population centres and send it on its way… where, exactly?

    Keep on spinning, Cal. So much easier to repeat the talking point memoes and empty slogans than to actually think for yourself.

    And hoping "we" (who, exactly?) "will stop Iran from acquiring a nuclear capability": kind of ironic, given how & why Iran started a nuclear power program in the first place.

    Reply
  6. Syncopation Avatar
    Syncopation

    I personally prefer nuclear power over giving money to middle eastern countries for their oil. Yes nuclear still has its drawbacks and dangers but if it were not for our dependence on oil (and hence our presence/interest in the middle east) 9/11 would never have happened and we wouldn't be propping up religious extremists over there with American taxpayer dollars. I don't see this position in any way contradictory with my position on using nuclear weapons (which I find vile in concept and reality).

    I personally prefer water, wind and solar over nuclear power. The relevance and significance of these technologies grows daily but it is true that they are not yet sufficiently developed to supplant all current sources of energy. That will change, in time.

    Reply
  7. Cal Avatar
    Cal

    Syncopation. Well said. Excellent post. Keep it up!

    I’ll get on board the wind train as soon as it’s a viable alternative. In the meantime we know oil, coal, natural gas, and nuclear work. Between now and then, let’s use everything we have as smartly and cleanly as possible to maintain our standard of living.

    Reply
  8. Phil Avatar
    Phil

    Am I dreaming?

    Syncopation, writing something that makes so much sense.

    Thank you Syncopation, for uplifting my hopes for a some good future for our great country.

    I can believe now that slowly but surely we all can work together to build a bright present and great future again.

    Keep up the good posts.

    Reply
  9. geoff Avatar
    geoff

    Hmm. Interesting. "Sense" not in logical or rhetorical form, but rather: echoing the reader's prejudices.

    Reply
  10. Phil Avatar
    Phil

    🙂 Well geoff, except for your comment I did not see anybody elses comments to be echoing prejudiced.

    At least we tried to reach out to each others belief.

    What is your stand on this?

    Reply

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